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Mitch hedberg one liners to make you smile

written by quotegal71

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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.
Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!
If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.
I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

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Comedians

Rodney Dangerfield – king of the one liners

written by quotegal71

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One liners

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.
I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark…
I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I can’t get no respect.
I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!
The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I have three kids, one of each.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
My wife gives good headache.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.
And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

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Comedians

31 Robin Williams Quotes

written by quotegal71

Robin  Williams was an American actor and comedian. Known for his improvisational skills[1][2] and the wide variety of characters he created on the spur of the moment and portrayed on film, in dramas and comedies alike,[3][4] he is regarded as one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Williams began performing stand-up comedy in San Francisco and Los Angeles during the mid-1970s and rose to fame playing the alien Mork in the ABC sitcom Mork & Mindy (1978–1982).[9] After his first leading film role in Popeye (1980), he starred in several critically and commercially successful films, including The World According to Garp (1982), Moscow on the Hudson (1984), Good Morning, Vietnam (1987), Dead Poets Society (1989), Awakenings (1990), The Fisher King (1991), Patch Adams (1998), One Hour Photo (2002), and World’s Greatest Dad (2009).

He also starred in box office successes such as Hook (1991), Aladdin (1992), Mrs. Doubtfire (1993), Jumanji (1995), The Birdcage (1996), Good Will Hunting (1997), and the Night at the Museum trilogy (2006–2014).

He was nominated for four Academy Awards, winning Best Supporting Actor for Good Will Hunting. He also received two Primetime Emmy Awards, six Golden Globe Awards, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, and five Grammy Awards.

List of quotes

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Reality: What a concept!
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
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Comedians

37 David Letterman Quotes

written by quotegal71

David  Letterman is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted late-night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC and ending with the May 20, 2015, broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman on CBS.

In total, Letterman hosted 6,080 episodes of Late Night and Late Show, surpassing his friend and mentor Johnny Carson as the longest-serving late-night talk show host in American television history. In 1996, Letterman was ranked 45th on TV Guide‘s 50 Greatest TV Stars of All Time.

In 2002, The Late Show with David Letterman was ranked seventh on TV Guide’s 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time.

List of quotes

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He’s dead, then he’s alive, then dead, then alive. It’s just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I’m thinking, well, hell, he didn’t need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce Schwarzenegger.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it’s live. You know, it’s like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
It’s so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early – is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton’s expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it’s been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
Wherever we’ve travelled in this great land of ours, we’ve found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I’m thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, ‘I’ve got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.’ Yeah, that’s always the sign of a man in good health, isn’t it?
Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.
Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.
Iraq’s elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they’re changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I’m telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
New York… when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
For the love of God, folks, don’t try this at home.
I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
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Comedians

54 quotes from the great George Carlin

written by quotegal71

George Carlin was an American comedian, actor, author, and social critic.

Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time, he was dubbed “the dean of counterculture comedians”. He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects.

The first of Carlin’s 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977, and broadcast as George Carlin at USC. From the late 1980s onwards, his routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on American political issues and satirized American culture. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2004, he placed second on Comedy Central’s list of top 10 American comedians.

In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time

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List of quotes

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
The status quo sucks.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Always do whatever’s next.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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