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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.
Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!
If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.”
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.
I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.
I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.