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One liners
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.
I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark…
I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I can’t get no respect.
I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!
The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.
Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I have three kids, one of each.
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
My wife gives good headache.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.
And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.